Asides

What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than scouring the annals of Craigslist’s Lonely Hearts Club for the most laughable attempts at making human connections, I always say!

At least, that’s what I’m saying this year, because my Valentine to SFSF is the first Miss Connections of 2013!

I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO IGNORE YOU LADIES

[This is both the heading of the first MC, and my apology for being so negligent in writing Miss Connections. Moving on…]

YOU LADIES ARE WRITING TO ME AND YOU ARE NOT BEING HONEST WITH ME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH OF YOU LADIES IS WRITING WHAT BECAUSE YOU ARE HIDING, WHICH ISN’T FAIR BECAUSE MOST IF NOT ALL OF YOU LADIES ARE WRITING TO ME.

That’s an amazing track record, isn’t it? Most, if not ALL, of the ladies who read this MC are writing to him. I’m almost afraid to post this, for fear it might turn into an Internet version of The Ring—once you read this MC, ladies, you have seven days to write to him or you, uh…cease to be a lady. I mean, you probably have enough time to read the rest of this blog post, but after that you should definitely consider writing to him.

I HOPE TO MEET A LADY IN PERSON.

Ah, the mystikal sighting of a lady! How long mere mortals have yearned to see one in the flesh!

YOU LADIES ARE GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM. IN PERSON. I AMN’T FOUR PEOPLE. A SINGLE MAN, LOST, LONELY AND AFRAID AT TIMES.

Goddammit. This last line is so naked, so vulnerable, it almost makes me feel bad for mocking the poor guy. I just want to tell him that there is a place on the Internet for confessions of weakness, and it’s called Xanga circa 2004.

Okay, let’s try someone who knows whom they’re addressing, first name and all:

Sarah who works at Museum of Science + Children’s Museum. – m4w – 25 (The Sinclair)

hey,

i never do this, and I’m not sure what your story is, but we met tonight at the sinclair. you were with some friends but didn’t care much for the bands playing.

you told me a sub-par story about a coffee shop and a guy in a wheelchair. although you were slightly tipsy, it was adorable. i think you said you’re from texas.

i wasn’t in a great place to have a conversation, and you said you usually don’t talk to strangers, but I would love to hear more of these sub-par stories sometime over coffee or drinks.

I will admit that I opened this MC because my name is Sarah and, though I have never worked at either of these museums, I have always wanted to. So I imagined myself being this Sarah, one who works with science and brats and goes to concerts and talks to strangers. I imagined opening an MC where the poster describes me first as a disinterested audience member, then as a sub-par storyteller, who is adorable despite the fact that she is tipsy (which is definitely a euphemism for “sloppy”), and then almost maybe remembers my home state.

And then I promptly copied, pasted, and mocked. As adorable as this guy probably thinks he is in this MC, Sarah is offended. She thinks that wheelchair coffee shop story was worthwhile, and she doesn’t usually talk to strangers because, even when they have the buffer of the Internet between themselves and her, they will feel the need to tease her in order to win her affections. May as well tell Sarah her eyes are two mesmerizing crumbs of stale bread in pools of curdled milk, for God’s sake.

The next poster finally got it right:

Cute Toll Collector I-90E – w4m – 29 (Brighton/Allston Exit)

Me: brunnette, bangs, blue eyes, blushes easily. You: blond, very short hair, great smile.

You were so good looking I got flustered trying to hand you change…you may have been slightly amused? I make that drive every Monday and I think I’ve seen you on one other occasion and had a similar experience. Just thought I’d let you know the effect you’re having on female motorists.

Okay, it’s not the most inventive or heartwarming MC I’ve ever posted, but I appreciate it because it’s written for a toll collector. Do you understand how relentlessly boring a job like that is? You are stuck in a phone booth, asking grumpy passersby for change. It’s like being a professional highway panhandler. No one expects to have fun doing that job, and along comes this woman who not only gets flustered trying to hand you a handful of nickles, but she thinks about you enough to write an MC later. Now THAT is romance!

But the last MC this week goes not to the most romantic, but the poster who clearly has the best sense of humor:

To the girl who flipped me the bird this afternoon – m4w – 24 (Lechmere, Near Science Museum)

You: Irate woman (probably mid-late twenties), sunglasses, driving some sort of gas-guzzling “luxury” SUV.

Me: The blue-eyed dude in a silver Toyota Corolla that was unwittingly blocking some sort of stupid left-hand turn opening that could only be found in Boston/New England.

There was a huge cluster-fuck of a traffic jam just past the Lechmere T stop. You tried to make some insanely stupid, stubborn move across my lane. I, being trapped between a bunch of other cars (this was a traffic jam, bee tee dubz) had nowhere to go. You proceed to throw your hands up in exasperation and when I proceeded to mock you, you flipped me one hell of a sexy middle finger.

I laughed in return and threw one back at you. You then (I could only guess by your agitated facial expressions and lip movements) cursed at me and flipped another sweet, slender middle finger in my direction. I responded with a double-dose of “fuck you” symbolism, and you drove away.

Coffee sometime? Maybe we can tell each other to fuck off in person.

I had to read this MC a few times to decide whether I thought the poster was passive aggressively ranting or legitimately asking this woman out. Despite the fact that he insults her car and portrays little that he likes about her, I feel like this is a real MC. He doesn’t sound angry, and there’s no other reason for him to write all of this on CL unless he actually wants to chance finding this woman. Who knows, maybe he’s into rageful females.

But the real MC should be for this guy:

P.S. To the old dude who followed this girl through the same lane and shook his fist at me, you’re the man. I proceeded to mock you too, and instead of getting pissed like previously mentioned girl, you laughed and threw up a peace sign. You win.

He certainly does.