Miss Connections: The One with Nipples and Jesus

Let’s start off this week’s Miss Connections with an example of an MC that I see more often than I want, because, while I don’t believe in the institution of marriage, I like to believe that those who get married do. And yet MC seems to be an attractive place for people to post totally discrete solicitations that will never be seen by anyone other than their desired party: 

But You’re my Wife’s Best Friend… – m4w – 34 (Crossing the Line)

…..and I golf with your man. But I feel the sexual tension between us. The other night when we bumped into each other coming out of the bathroom, that intense look. I know if they weren’t in the next room. I’m so tempted to cross the line, but we can’t…right? Or can we? I know you’re out there struggling with the same question. Advice from others with any similar experience welcome. So confused…

Okay, just between us middle-aged cuckolds, let’s be real: you’re not confused. You’re unsure in the way that people who only want to risk a marriage for hot sex are unsure. Because if that hot sex never happens, well, it’s going to be a goddamn shame about that deposit on your wedding hall. And the years of building an emotionally meaningful relationship with another person will be lost—not to mention your wife!

But, even married men will be men, right?

Just one night – w4m

I keep thinking about our conversation and imagining many scenarios with you. So curious just want one night with you but your my husbands friend. I find you so attractive .. What do you think ? Hopefully you read these!

This is one of the many reasons I love MCs: just when it seems that someone has posted an MC that cements stereotypes about one demographic, you get another that proves everyone can be just as scummy! Didn’t think that the first poster would get anywhere with his MC? Well, think again, because turns out his friend’s wife does want to get freaky in the breakfast nook!

Though, not in the way that this next poster wants to get freaky:

Hot Ass Baseball Dads – w4m (North Andover)

God damn!

I love going to baseball each week just to watch all the incredible good looking baseball dads who are so involved.

Maybe I should pretend to forget my stance so one of those hotties that walk by and say ” hi” can touch me and give me goosebumps!!!!

I love sports and hot dads!!!

Who wrote this, a prepubescent baseball player? Why else would she be practicing her stance at a kids’ baseball game? And the use of exclamation points is clearly indicative of a Tiger Beat connoisseur. The title of this posting should be “Spice Up My Life (Daddy Issues),” because this little lady has a taste for salt and pepper! At least she comes by it honestly. About as honestly as this next poster:

Chestnuthill Bofa ATM – commented about your nipples – m4w

Around 5:45pm at the Bank of America ATM near the Atrium mall….you were a gorgeous brunette in super tight jeans and a white top with no bra. You look like Megan Fox. I walked in after and could clearly see your nipples thru your shirt. I have no idea what came over me, but when you turned around to leave I said “you have absolutely beautiful nipples”. You looked right at me awkwardly and said thanks and then left.

I’m not a perv. It just came out. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Just want to say sorry if I freaked you out…

Dear ATM Man,

I’m so glad you posted this. To be honest, I was a bit freaked out—but now that you explained that you were simply ENTRANCED by my MESMERIZING nipples, I totally forgive you. In fact, this isn’t the first time a man has been simply unable to control himself around my ENGROSSING nipples, and it’s probably my fault for wearing that shirt. You’re definitely not a perv, just a normal guy put under extraordinary circumstances.

Anyway, I appreciate the MC. You could probably sense that I check this religiously and so this was the best way for you to apologize to me.

Want to have wild sex in public sometime?

Megan Fox

And, last but not least, perhaps the greatest MC to have ever graced the Internet:


Susan – m4w (with Jesus)

I forgive you. In the time of Noah so shall it be in our time. Forgiveness is what you lack along with common sence, I suggest you Take Jesus into you’re heart and maybe you will not be such a hateful bitch

There’s things I could say, ways I could deconstruct this and the emotional state of the person who wrote it, but dear baby Jesus—who clearly endorsed this message—why would I?

Just Another Brief Conversation With Blaze

Hi Aaron it’s Blaze

Hey man.

I heard about those attacks in Boston. You’re right next to that. I want to make sure you’re okay.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I’m okay.

Are all your friends alright?

Yeah…thanks for asking. How are you?

Ummm, pretty good. I saw a bunch of busses in Torrey Pines the other day and I thought it was a load of people here to see Jesus.

Oh, no way! They were looking for Jesus?

No, I just thought they were.


So yeah I saw a bunch of tour busses full of these people here to see Jesus and I thought of a speech I’d give them.

No you didn’t.

Yeah I did. So I thought of this speech and I thought I’d give it to you and you could put it on your blog.

If you write me a speech from Jesus I guarantee you that I’ll put it on the blog.

Okay, good. You know what? I’ll do that right now, I’ll hang up and email it to you right away.

Okay. Thanks Blaze.

Well Aaron, I’m glad you’re alright and I hope everything is okay in Somerville. Tell your friends that your friend Blaze says hi and I will go write that and send it right away.

I’ll do that. See ya Blaze.

It was the cloudy day of Sunday February 3rd 2013. I Blaze Ginsberg, I am taking myself to ride the city bus to Fifteenth Street Beach. As I go I see a murder of tour buses roaming the streets. I think is Jesus Christ back, I think he is?

Jesus’s speech:

Fair people of today,  I have come your way,  I have these things to say-

Hatred is not the way; you have some nerve to hate someone because they are disabled, black, or gay.

People of the Holy Cinemas of California, you have some effrontery to hate this girl because her name is Mercury!  Ye with the least amount of sin cast the first stone; let this girl be at her own.

I have come back to remind, if you want salvation some day, love acceptance and kindness should always be the way,

That is all I have to say, your Wholly Ghost Savvier,
Jesus H. Christ
%      *      *      %      *      *      %
Here you can read The Holy Cinemas of California, an older conversation with Blaze. That’s where he references Mercury and stuff.

VDMC: Valentine’s Day Miss Connections

What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than scouring the annals of Craigslist’s Lonely Hearts Club for the most laughable attempts at making human connections, I always say!

At least, that’s what I’m saying this year, because my Valentine to SFSF is the first Miss Connections of 2013!


[This is both the heading of the first MC, and my apology for being so negligent in writing Miss Connections. Moving on…]


That’s an amazing track record, isn’t it? Most, if not ALL, of the ladies who read this MC are writing to him. I’m almost afraid to post this, for fear it might turn into an Internet version of The Ring—once you read this MC, ladies, you have seven days to write to him or you, uh…cease to be a lady. I mean, you probably have enough time to read the rest of this blog post, but after that you should definitely consider writing to him.


Ah, the mystikal sighting of a lady! How long mere mortals have yearned to see one in the flesh!


Goddammit. This last line is so naked, so vulnerable, it almost makes me feel bad for mocking the poor guy. I just want to tell him that there is a place on the Internet for confessions of weakness, and it’s called Xanga circa 2004.

Okay, let’s try someone who knows whom they’re addressing, first name and all:

Sarah who works at Museum of Science + Children’s Museum. – m4w – 25 (The Sinclair)


i never do this, and I’m not sure what your story is, but we met tonight at the sinclair. you were with some friends but didn’t care much for the bands playing.

you told me a sub-par story about a coffee shop and a guy in a wheelchair. although you were slightly tipsy, it was adorable. i think you said you’re from texas.

i wasn’t in a great place to have a conversation, and you said you usually don’t talk to strangers, but I would love to hear more of these sub-par stories sometime over coffee or drinks.

I will admit that I opened this MC because my name is Sarah and, though I have never worked at either of these museums, I have always wanted to. So I imagined myself being this Sarah, one who works with science and brats and goes to concerts and talks to strangers. I imagined opening an MC where the poster describes me first as a disinterested audience member, then as a sub-par storyteller, who is adorable despite the fact that she is tipsy (which is definitely a euphemism for “sloppy”), and then almost maybe remembers my home state.

And then I promptly copied, pasted, and mocked. As adorable as this guy probably thinks he is in this MC, Sarah is offended. She thinks that wheelchair coffee shop story was worthwhile, and she doesn’t usually talk to strangers because, even when they have the buffer of the Internet between themselves and her, they will feel the need to tease her in order to win her affections. May as well tell Sarah her eyes are two mesmerizing crumbs of stale bread in pools of curdled milk, for God’s sake.

The next poster finally got it right:

Cute Toll Collector I-90E – w4m – 29 (Brighton/Allston Exit)

Me: brunnette, bangs, blue eyes, blushes easily. You: blond, very short hair, great smile.

You were so good looking I got flustered trying to hand you change…you may have been slightly amused? I make that drive every Monday and I think I’ve seen you on one other occasion and had a similar experience. Just thought I’d let you know the effect you’re having on female motorists.

Okay, it’s not the most inventive or heartwarming MC I’ve ever posted, but I appreciate it because it’s written for a toll collector. Do you understand how relentlessly boring a job like that is? You are stuck in a phone booth, asking grumpy passersby for change. It’s like being a professional highway panhandler. No one expects to have fun doing that job, and along comes this woman who not only gets flustered trying to hand you a handful of nickles, but she thinks about you enough to write an MC later. Now THAT is romance!

But the last MC this week goes not to the most romantic, but the poster who clearly has the best sense of humor:

To the girl who flipped me the bird this afternoon – m4w – 24 (Lechmere, Near Science Museum)

You: Irate woman (probably mid-late twenties), sunglasses, driving some sort of gas-guzzling “luxury” SUV.

Me: The blue-eyed dude in a silver Toyota Corolla that was unwittingly blocking some sort of stupid left-hand turn opening that could only be found in Boston/New England.

There was a huge cluster-fuck of a traffic jam just past the Lechmere T stop. You tried to make some insanely stupid, stubborn move across my lane. I, being trapped between a bunch of other cars (this was a traffic jam, bee tee dubz) had nowhere to go. You proceed to throw your hands up in exasperation and when I proceeded to mock you, you flipped me one hell of a sexy middle finger.

I laughed in return and threw one back at you. You then (I could only guess by your agitated facial expressions and lip movements) cursed at me and flipped another sweet, slender middle finger in my direction. I responded with a double-dose of “fuck you” symbolism, and you drove away.

Coffee sometime? Maybe we can tell each other to fuck off in person.

I had to read this MC a few times to decide whether I thought the poster was passive aggressively ranting or legitimately asking this woman out. Despite the fact that he insults her car and portrays little that he likes about her, I feel like this is a real MC. He doesn’t sound angry, and there’s no other reason for him to write all of this on CL unless he actually wants to chance finding this woman. Who knows, maybe he’s into rageful females.

But the real MC should be for this guy:

P.S. To the old dude who followed this girl through the same lane and shook his fist at me, you’re the man. I proceeded to mock you too, and instead of getting pissed like previously mentioned girl, you laughed and threw up a peace sign. You win.

He certainly does.

I haven’t felt this emotional about a cartoon since Fern Gully.

I realized today, while sitting in a subway station, that I feel the same way about public transportation as Muslims feel about Allah: Some things just shouldn’t be depicted.

For those of you unfamiliar with Boston’s public transportation system (which is no one, because everyone who reads this is a 20- or 30-something who lives in Boston and can’t afford not to take the subway), it is often represented by this guy:

"You know me from those police sketches!"

Meet Charlie.

Like so much else on the Interwebs these days, the history of Charlie’s name is political, deriving from a folk song written to support a Progressive Party (read: Commie Bastard) candidate in 1949.  But the contemporary history, the one that’s being written everyday in the refurbished wasteholes and desolate lean-tos known as “T stations,” is even bleaker.

As I was sitting at Park Street, the megahub of the subway system, I noticed that every single picture of Charlie I could see around me had been defiled.  And not in the sexy way, either.  It literally looked like someone had smeared shit all over Charlie’s face(s).  The chain reaction that this realization set off in my mind is sad in its exhaustive analysis of something so straight-up stupid:

1. Oh, that’s kind of sad.

2.  Why do I care so much about an asinine cartoon character?  He’s meant to represent the MBTA, he’s not a real person.

3. This is probably a statement about how much the vandal hates the MBTA.

4. Yeah, fuck the MBTA!  Fuck their proposed fare increases and service cuts!  Free public transportation for all!

5.  Wait, why is public transportation represented by a person, again?

That’s where the reaction ended, because I’m still stuck on figuring out why anyone would feel the need to personify the MBTA like this.  I assume it’s to make the MBTA more relatable, something that people can feel a certain bond with.  But, let’s be honest–do you know anyone who has a forehead that just drops like a baby down a manhole, right into their nose?  Or anyone who has skin the color of fermenting caramel?  I mean, if you really wanted to personify the subways or buses, why wouldn’t you just use the people who actually fucking run them?  Put pictures of bus drivers up on buses, for example?  That’s what they do in Portland, OR.  But, then again, they also think things like “barcades” and “vegan food trucks” are good ideas.  Buncha commie douchebags.