Miss Connections: The One Where People Think Way Too Highly of Themselves

Many, if not most, MCs are written by people who seem to lack the self-esteem to say these things in person, in the moment.  There are probably thousands more MCs that go unwritten for the same reason, and millions of missed opportunities to connect with people everyday because I’m too shy or not cute enough or just not something enough.

I wish that were the case for this first MC.

Party Girls Wanted for Nascar – m4w (Needham)

Looking for 2 women who want to Party for free in My RV .For New Hampshire Race Saturday and Sunday Tickets are on me. You weekend is free Just come along .

Let me get this straight: you want me to spend a whole weekend in New Hampshire. At a Nascar race. Sleeping in an RV with someone who doesn’t know a single female that will entertain this proposal. Without expecting a single thing in return. Every girl’s dream!

we are 50 and 47 old men . but act younger

“We’re middle-aged, but act like college frat boys. All of the immaturity of coeds, with none of the good looks or charm! Triple threat!”

RV sleeps 8 with all the comforts of home . Tickets are in Turn 1 , I am a season ticket holder .

Let’s assume you’re a female who is so crazy about Nascar that you’re willing to consider this proposal for even a second. To any woman with an ounce of self-respect, the former sentence is the most appealing one so far, since it means there’s a chance that, in this double-family-sized monstrosity-on-wheels, you won’t have to see either of these guys all weekend. To a woman who values Nascar more than her dignity, self-esteem, or any of that other crap your American Girl dolls taught you about, the latter is super attractive, I guess. But then this guy really nails it:

Please send a pix and why you want to go

Yes, that’s right—he’s AUDITIONING women. There is a chance that someone will respond to this ad and he will DENY them the chance to listen to his fart jokes and fight off his physical advances for two days. This MC actually makes me feel like my dating standards are spectacularly low, since I usually don’t require people to write me a college essay before spending the worst night of their life with me.

But, then, I don’t have a mobile Den of Loneliness.

The next MC has lower expectations, though they are still beyond reasonable:

Mike At the Model Who likes to laugh more than cupcakes – w4m – 27 (Allston)

This title is cute. There’s a name, place, and reference to conversation that clearly has some backstory to it, because “laughing” and “cupcakes” are not usually the two options for anything. This woman starts out right:

I liked your sarcasm and style.

And then devolves into a List of Reasons Why You Should Not Be Interested in Her:

I was the weirdo creep who had a couple vodkas too many and got a bit slurry in conversation.

  1. She is a weirdo creep.
  2. She believes that admitting to being a weirdo creep is attractive.
  3. She doesn’t know her limits.
  4. She’s a sloppy drunk.

I creepily came over to you even though you started taking to a cute girl,with a piece of paper with just my name on it(which seems even weirder than writing a phone number) before eventually getting my drunk ass in a cab home.

5. She has never hit on anyone in her life, since giving her name, surely scrawled in lipstick on a bar napkin, to a guy in the midst of a conversation with “a cute girl” only seems weird.

6. See: numbers 1-4.

I told my hairdresser about it and she thought this was worthy of a missed connection ad.

7. She wasn’t even interested enough to think this interaction was worthy of a MC. Thank God for rational hairstylists.

If you happen to come across this somehow as I have not read these things in years and this ad somehow redeems my weirdoness, we should have less slurry conversation together.

8. See: numbers 1-4.

Listen, people: I know the Woody Allens and Michael Ceras of the world would have you believe that self-effacing humor is super sexy. And, for some people, it is. But those people are celebrities, kay? Those people are not trying to connect via MC with strangers, who already have every reason in the world not to respond to you. DO NOT GIVE THEM MORE REASONS. Talk yourself up. Make yourself into the unsigned model at the bar who has aspirations of curing cancer. If by some miracle they find your MC and respond, they’ll find out all of your neuroses later—trust me. For weirdo creeps, it’s nearly unavoidable.

The last two MCs are much more pure, of intent and interaction. This first one reads like the notes on a rom-com screenplay, in the first scene where boy and girl serendipitously meet:

To the prettiest girl in the world, who I saw on the Red Line tonight. – m4w – 27 (Downtown to Fields Corner)

(Should that be “whom”?)

As a language nerd, I find this endearing. Probably a bit too much. Moving on…

I really hope that I see you again.
I spent all day working in the yard at my pop’s place so I wasn’t in any condition to talk to anyone, but looking back I wish I had at least said “hi” to you instead of reading that 3-day-old Metro.

Posting this on Craigslist isn’t like me at all, but I’m not exaggerating one bit when I say that you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Sorta dramatic but true. This ad is probably the best I can do until we (maybe) meet again.


He doesn’t even describe her, so it’s not really an attempt to elicit a response, it’s more of just a, “Hey, you should know that people think you’re gorgeous and I pray to the MBTA that we’re in the same train car again someday.”

[Note: for the emoticon-ally challenged, like myself, that last symbol is like a cutesy animal smiling. Like, a cat’s face when it “smiles” (though everyone knows those Satan beasts are incapable of feeling any emotions but contempt and hate)].

Just terrible.

This last MC, despite being completely platonic, is probably the most adorable one all week:

Whoever requested X-Men: The Animated Series for movie of the day – w4w (Healthworks Coolidge Corner)

You. Are. Awesome.

(Sorry, not a romantic missed connection. But I got on my treadmill today and was ecstatic to see Wolverine up on the big screen.)


Miss Connections: The One Where No One Lies to Make Themselves Look Better

If you’ve read the last two Miss Connections (with this baby makes three—a long-time reader, that makes ye!), you know that there seems to be a growing fetish in Boston for the stalker/stalkee dynamic. So far, the stalking has been limited to isolated incidents, but in this week’s first MC, it’s a recurring, perhaps daily, event:

Blah, blah, blah – m4w – 38 (Revere)

Compelling. Go on…

You are a woman who I would sometimes catch watching me. You live directly across from my window.

I totally trust this guy, he doesn’t seem to have tendencies towards wishful thinking/justifying misdemeanors at all.

I am reclusive yes but all and all I believe myself to be a pretty awesome guy IMHO. I wasn’t particularly looking for anyone in my life for obvious reasons but then I started to wonder about you.

If you actually thought you were “a pretty awesome guy,” you wouldn’t need to tell us your HO (Honest Opinion) at all. And is the “obvious reason” you weren’t looking for anyone because you’re so “awesome” that you spend too much time watching your neighbor (ostensibly) watch you?

Why did you watch me?


Were you lonely too?

Uh, listen, I think you misunderstood—

Were you my “one?” Did you need me?

absofuckinglutely not.

So on Christmas I left a music box, a book, some lavender potpourri, and a Godiva chocolate bar on your doorstep. I thought you would think it was sweet. I thought maybe you would reach back out to me…

You never did.


That is why I am no longer where you always found me. I just need to clear my head now and deal with all the other shit i have going on in my life.

Oh, well, I can’t imagine what kind of “shit” you’re dealing with if staring through your neighbor’s window and leaving her an anonymous stoop surprise, then expecting her to telepathically interpret who it is from and how to respond, seems normal. It’s hard out here for a p-i-m-p.

This was the photo on my desktop that most accurately encapsulates that last sentence. What, like you don’t have a photo of Scott Baio just sitting in the wings, waiting for action?

The next MC seems fairly normal, at first glance:

The animal that poses the biggest threat to the orangutan is man – m4w – 30 (Boston)

I read this on the Wikipedia page for Orangutans. I figured I woulc teach, as well as tell you that I miss you. I know we can’t see each other any more, but I hoped at the very least I could put a smile on your face. I am still here, if you ever change your mind…you know how to reach me…


…until you think at all about the title. Obviously, these two people share some sort of connection over orangutans (Both are feral children raised by the ginger ape-humans, perhaps, or met while ruminating aloud over evolution in front of the orangutans at the Franklin Park Zoo. People do that.). So using the fact that human poachers are largely responsible for killing them off as your hook is ballsy. Actually, I find it really disturbing. Like, if you both shared a love of “The Wizard of Oz,” and decided to use, “You know the scene where the munchkin hangs himself from a tree in the background?” as the title of your MC. It’s about on that level of sexiness.

This next MC is also ballsy, but in that really awesome honesty-will-make-me-stronger way, where you have to admire the writer for her shamelessness in reaching out to someone who most would chalk up to a drunken one-night-stand-ing promise to myself to stop telling people about my goddamn domesticated chipmunks:

We met you on the street and we held hands – w4m – 22 (Jamaica Plain)

Of course I feel like a drunk mess for this, but all I can remember is meeting you on the street, talking a bunch, holding hands, and you coming back to my apartment to see my gerbils. Then this morning, you were gone and I had none of your info. You were so cute and I really hope you know your Craigslist.

God, that makes two of us.  It’s hard to say whether she actually owns two glamourized forest rats, or whether she just uses the word “gerbils” to refer to her naughty niblets–and, honestly, I’d rather not know.  But either way, this seems like a genuinely adorable moment, in which the poster’s self-aware drunken smittenness makes up for the fact that Strangers in the Night usually applies more to a morning-after Regret Parade than a croony Sinatra song.

The next MC gem is from a refreshingly honest gay fellow:

Literate hotties at the Harvard Book Store warehouse sale – m4m – 30 (Park Street, Somerville)

So many adorable readerly guys at the warehouse sale. Sorry I wasn’t paying very much attention to you, future husbands & boyfriends … there were just so many books.

Though I’ve never identified as a gay male, I feel like I can relate to this MC very well. But, then, I also believe I will never meet someone whom I get along with as well as The Unbearable Lightness of Being, so I guess nerdery > human interaction. Books have always returned my texts…if you know what I mean.

And, to end on a note of genuine appreciation for the simple joy of being a loony:

Crosswalk Shenanigans – m4w – 26 (Harvard Square)

Oh man, this was awesome. I stopped to let you cross and you like danced / frolicked / arm waved across for no damn reason. And then you turned back and smiled. We should totally be pals.

Shit, I wanna be friends with this woman.  Being authentic enough to Sound of Music your way across a street is pretty rad. Frolic on, Skipper, frolic on.

Miss Connections: The One Where Sunshine Gets Into Everyone’s Brain

[Ed. note: You may have noticed that the title of this Miss Connections is much like the titles of Friends episodes.  This, I feel, is a genius way of distinguishing one section from others in a long-running series, and probably the only thing worthwhile to come out of that show besides a generation’s renewed interest in dinosaurs thanks to Ross, the paleontologist.]

In reverence of the summer solstice, when suddenly everybody is outside and smiling, talking to strangers, even, and you almost forget how typically standoffish a Puritan and Catholic heritage can make people—in short, when Bostonians reverse their normal attitudes—this Miss Connections is inverse of the usual format. There’s usually a few bizarro MCs taken from the darkest recesses of degenerate perceptions of romance, followed by a heartfelt description of rom-com-esque serendipity. This week’s Miss Connections is just a bunch of snuggly, only-a-female-daytime-talk-show-host-can-express-the-correct-level-of-adoration-for-this-level-of-cuteness posts, followed up by one questionable…well, you’ll see.

So, remember that last round of Miss Connections, where some guy posted the Most Adorable Thing to Happen on the Internet Ever? Well, this first MC is like that, except it’s a woman posting for a man, and it includes aviary misfortune:

We chatted after a seagull stole my lunch – w4m (Galleria Mall)

So, here goes nothing.

I was at the Cambridgeside Galleria Mall this afternoon around 2 o’clock. I was eating lunch and reading a book out by the fountain, when a giant seagull came and stole the leftovers of my lunch, box and all.

You were sitting on the steps behind me, reading a book while on your lunch break. We were both quite surprised at the crazy antics of this bird and we chatted for a bit. Then you had to go back to work, which I happened to notice later was at the Apple Store.

So, long story short, I’ve been kicking myself for not introducing myself. I legitimately walked around the mall way longer than I’d like to admit trying to find something wrong with my iPhone so that I had an excuse to talk to you again.

If you see this and don’t think I’m totally desperate and lame for posting something here and would possibly like see me again when birds aren’t stealing my belongings, reply with the title of the book you were reading.

Be Still My Heart, Stop Quaking My Knees should be the title of that book. Though I’m charmed by this MC, I will say I’m disappointed in the poster. How could she NOT find something wrong with her iPhone? Jesus, anything would do. “Hi, I think I have PTSD from being mugged by a bird, and I don’t know how to access my phone contacts. Could you help me out?” Or, “Hey, could you help me figure out how to use my phone to call a bounty hunter that specializes in seagulls? Let’s date.” You could have even gone in there and said, “It’s my militant lesbian wife’s birthday tomorrow and I want to buy her a gift. Any specials?” And then when he starts responding, cut him off and say, “Just kidding, I’m single. And into guys. Now are there any specials?” Seriously, the possibilities are endless.

For some reason, quite a large number of MCs are posted for travelers, by travelers. I totally understand this, as many of the most interesting stories I’ve heard have been from other travelers I’ve met in airports and buses and what have you, which automatically makes you a future romantic memory in my book. But my theory is that traveling, for many people, is akin to a survival situation, and anyone that they can hold on to while the ship is going down (so to speak) immediately becomes more important. Your life or sanity might depend on this person’s ability to have engaging conversation or stave off brain-eating zombie-aliens when your flight is intercepted by a flying saucer. Along with Louis CK, this guy definitely knows what I’m talkin’ about:

San Salvador airport on a long delay – you inspired a song – m4w

I bought you a beer while we waited on a ten hour delay and we chatted for a good long while. I just wanted to say thank you for helping pass the time in a very nice way! I was chaperoning a group of high schoolers, so some adult conversation was a very welcome relief! You are probably never going to see this, but I wanted to put it out there that you inspired a song. Here it is: paste this right behind you tube’s web address /watch?v=VxsBlCCzvuU&feature=plcp

Hope you got home safe!

So, for those of you too lazy, or too much of a damn grown-up, to copy and paste (“What am I, a third-grader in art class?”), here’s the video:

As cute as this post is—possible negligence of an entire possy of high school hooligans notwithstanding—the song is…okay. You don’t need to watch all four minutes of it, just enough to know that he legit wrote a song about this woman. That’s a committed MC right there.

The next MC actually stems out of unfortunate circumstances—and I mean real misfortune, not gangster gull-level misfortune—but, because it is an MC that celebrates human dignity and kindness without any pretense of sexual interest, I had to include it:

To the Kind Woman on the Bus (86 bus to Cleveland Circle)

I watched someone be very rude to you, and you took it so admirably well.
She was an older, squat white woman who may not have been playing with a full deck.
You were younger, but fully grown. You could have been Latin American or Indian, or some other nationality entirely. The only thing this poor soul could register was that you were non caucasian.
It was a little before two thirty in the afternoon. She was getting off the bus as you were about to get on. Clearly she needed help doing this because the bus driver lowered the ramp for her. I can only assume that you put out your hands, offering to help her onto the street. In return for this kind gesture she shouted ‘Your hands serve no purpose! You come to America to take our jobs.’ ..but you only smiled, shrugging off the bad energy she’d emitted by waving it away. In that moment alone, your hands served greater purpose than she’ll ever know.
I was shocked and disgusted by what I’d heard. I wanted to reach out to you but in doing so, I knew that I would only remind you of something foul and unsavory that you’d just distanced yourself from. Instead I want to honor you here. Thank you for your kindness. It benefits us all in so many ways.

I’m pretty sure I know that old woman. Actually, I’m pretty sure we all do. She unequivocally sucks, which everyone also knows, but the fact that the subject of her ignorance responded the way she did, and that this person posted about it, makes up for her disproportionate Suck Factor. Also, she’ll probably die soon. So, there’s that.

The last MC I’ll leave you with continues a disturbing trend I noted in the last Miss Connections column:

Morning Assault in the T Station – w4m (South Boston/South End)

This morning, I physically assaulted you at the Broadway station, mistaking you for a friend.

Violence=hot. Go on…

Before that, I was verbally assaulting you up the escalator, which you luckily didn’t hear.

Ah, of course, emotionally-damaging verbal warfare as foreplay to the physical attack. Go on…

You told me it was “too early to start a fight”, and then you accidentally stalked me to work.

Okay, when did stalking people become sexy? Seriously, did I miss this after-school special?

Then I found out you design baby carriages, despite loathing children. And that’s when the morning went from good to great.

Why, because you think that assaulting someone who probably already hates themselves is cute? Or, because he hates children, does he design incredibly dangerous baby carriages, like ones that have heat-activated trap doors in the bottom? Coupla sadists, if you ask me. You know what, nevermind—you probably deserve each other.