Miss Connections: The One with Nipples and Jesus

Let’s start off this week’s Miss Connections with an example of an MC that I see more often than I want, because, while I don’t believe in the institution of marriage, I like to believe that those who get married do. And yet MC seems to be an attractive place for people to post totally discrete solicitations that will never be seen by anyone other than their desired party: 

But You’re my Wife’s Best Friend… – m4w – 34 (Crossing the Line)

…..and I golf with your man. But I feel the sexual tension between us. The other night when we bumped into each other coming out of the bathroom, that intense look. I know if they weren’t in the next room. I’m so tempted to cross the line, but we can’t…right? Or can we? I know you’re out there struggling with the same question. Advice from others with any similar experience welcome. So confused…

Okay, just between us middle-aged cuckolds, let’s be real: you’re not confused. You’re unsure in the way that people who only want to risk a marriage for hot sex are unsure. Because if that hot sex never happens, well, it’s going to be a goddamn shame about that deposit on your wedding hall. And the years of building an emotionally meaningful relationship with another person will be lost—not to mention your wife!

But, even married men will be men, right?

Just one night – w4m

I keep thinking about our conversation and imagining many scenarios with you. So curious just want one night with you but your my husbands friend. I find you so attractive .. What do you think ? Hopefully you read these!

This is one of the many reasons I love MCs: just when it seems that someone has posted an MC that cements stereotypes about one demographic, you get another that proves everyone can be just as scummy! Didn’t think that the first poster would get anywhere with his MC? Well, think again, because turns out his friend’s wife does want to get freaky in the breakfast nook!

Though, not in the way that this next poster wants to get freaky:

Hot Ass Baseball Dads – w4m (North Andover)

God damn!

I love going to baseball each week just to watch all the incredible good looking baseball dads who are so involved.

Maybe I should pretend to forget my stance so one of those hotties that walk by and say ” hi” can touch me and give me goosebumps!!!!

I love sports and hot dads!!!

Who wrote this, a prepubescent baseball player? Why else would she be practicing her stance at a kids’ baseball game? And the use of exclamation points is clearly indicative of a Tiger Beat connoisseur. The title of this posting should be “Spice Up My Life (Daddy Issues),” because this little lady has a taste for salt and pepper! At least she comes by it honestly. About as honestly as this next poster:

Chestnuthill Bofa ATM – commented about your nipples – m4w

Around 5:45pm at the Bank of America ATM near the Atrium mall….you were a gorgeous brunette in super tight jeans and a white top with no bra. You look like Megan Fox. I walked in after and could clearly see your nipples thru your shirt. I have no idea what came over me, but when you turned around to leave I said “you have absolutely beautiful nipples”. You looked right at me awkwardly and said thanks and then left.

I’m not a perv. It just came out. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Just want to say sorry if I freaked you out…

Dear ATM Man,

I’m so glad you posted this. To be honest, I was a bit freaked out—but now that you explained that you were simply ENTRANCED by my MESMERIZING nipples, I totally forgive you. In fact, this isn’t the first time a man has been simply unable to control himself around my ENGROSSING nipples, and it’s probably my fault for wearing that shirt. You’re definitely not a perv, just a normal guy put under extraordinary circumstances.

Anyway, I appreciate the MC. You could probably sense that I check this religiously and so this was the best way for you to apologize to me.

Want to have wild sex in public sometime?

Sincerely,
Megan Fox

And, last but not least, perhaps the greatest MC to have ever graced the Internet:

 

Susan – m4w (with Jesus)

I forgive you. In the time of Noah so shall it be in our time. Forgiveness is what you lack along with common sence, I suggest you Take Jesus into you’re heart and maybe you will not be such a hateful bitch

There’s things I could say, ways I could deconstruct this and the emotional state of the person who wrote it, but dear baby Jesus—who clearly endorsed this message—why would I?

Miss Connections: Love Lockdown Edition

Boston’s been through a lot this week. Its people have been subjected to emotional rugby, which is a game I am convinced has no rules other than “hurt each other,” only made worse by the relentless media coverage.

But through it all, Bostonians carried on—living, loving, loving from afar, loving in completely inappropriate ways and then posting about them on the Internet. Such as this first MC:

A much better show than Oblivion! – m4mw – 41 (Danvers)

Not a missed connection, really — I saw everything! (a la Patrick Stewart in “Extras”) — but thanks to the young couple who spent the entire, overlooooong 5 pm showing of Oblivion at Liberty Tree shamelessly getting it on in the back row. Obviously, I’m the guy who was sitting midway down the row shamelessly watching!

Obviously!

I suppose thanks are also due to the producers of this particular big-budget snoozer for not providing any competition to your writhing lapsex. I give you a five star review, three more than that flick deserves….

You didn’t seem to mind my brazenly watching you go at it — you even stuck around a bit as the credits rolled, perhaps waiting for me to leave. (I wanted to see who the key grip was, honest!) Anyway, if you enjoyed the added thrill of an audience, hit me up – the next matinee tickets will be on me. 🙂

The best part about this MC is that this man has clearly realized a fetish he never knew he had: being able to be a movie snob and an envoyer at the same time! Getting off to his own snarky one-liners about the movie he’s watching while others are getting off! When he says “the next matinee tickets will be on me,” he means it—because if there’s not a film playing at the same time, he’s not interested.

But as skeezy as it is to be getting down and dirty in a movie theater, and even moreso the man watching it, this next MC is truly in poor taste:

Girl on CNN – m4w – 28 (Watertown)

Just wanting to let the girl that was interviewed by CNN after the suspect was caught know that she is hot.

Solitary confinement can do a lot of crazy shit to your psyche. My brother was once put in solitary confinement in the Navy (and it had nothing to do with ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,’ so you can put away the jokes about “seamen,” as if my grandmother hasn’t made them already anyway). He said he learned how to win at Monopoly…against himself. I can’t remember ever finishing a game of Monopoly, aka The Four-Hour Exercise in How to Steal Money from the Bank Without Anyone Noticing, let alone after I’d spent time making up my own alter ego and then giving her the ol’ Capitalism Shakedown. The only time I’ve been in solitary confinement was (semi-)voluntarily for much of my childhood, and I ended up writing poetry…about how much I love America. Like I said: it changes people.

So it’s not totally unreasonable for this guy to make a totally inappropriate advance after being stuck in his house for hours on end. I mean, this woman was probably the first one he’d seen all day, if you don’t include his lipstick-smeared right hand.

But how, how how how did he justify this to himself? “I wish I could care about what this woman is saying, or the horror that my entire city went through over the past few days, but all I can think about is how sexy her mouth looks when she says, ‘I’m just happy the terrorists have been caught.’ Mmmmm. It’s even hotter than when my hand-mouth says it.”

I didn't mean it, baby. Oh, come on, Carol, you know I was joking! Don't give me the silent treatment, Carol.
I didn’t mean it, baby. Oh, come on, Carol, you know I was joking! Don’t give me the silent treatment, Carol.

The next poster has significantly better judgment when it comes to understanding what is MC-appropriate:

Hey, girl, hey. – w4w – 21 (Davis Sq.)

Hey. You with the face. I saw you looking and LIKING. Thumbs up. Two of em. BAM. Saw you outside of Diesel looking gay as a fish. And I like that. A lot. Hit me up. Alright, you had navy and green flannel on with these tight black jeans. Rocking a nice big pair of boots with laces. You had these glasses on… you look smart like WHOA. Like you go to Tufts or something. You probably have a tattoo. I’ll probably like it.

The fact that “gay as a fish” and “flannel” describes half (which, if anything, is a severe underestimate) of the clientele of Diesel, and that I’m sure similarly quirky and bold, yet coy and tongue-in-cheek, MCs have been posted for them many times, did not make me less endeared to this one. I think it’s because of the poster’s obvious self-awareness in writing this, and her ability to point out the ridiculousness of MCs in general without literally pointing it out (“Hey. You with the face.” instead of, “There’s no way you’ll ever see this, but…” =1,000,000 eprops [those are still legal virtual tender, right?]).

It could also be that I imagine Tom Cruise voicing the lines, “I saw you looking and LIKING. Thumbs up. Two of em. BAM.” And who isn’t whisked away to Wet Dream World by the thought of Tom Cruise hitting on you?

Answer: All the humans.
Answer: All the humans.

But this last MC, as always, takes the award for Most Heartwarming:

You mailed me my lost wallet?!?! (Brighton Ave, Allston)

I’d had a horrible Friday night, trying to cope with my sister’s deteriorating condition due to cancer. I started crying at the bar, surrounded by my friends and went to try to find the bathroom to compose myself when one of the bar staff told me I had to leave and escorted me out. In no condition to be alone, I tried frantically to text my friends to come find me as drops of rain and tears fell onto my phone, to no avail. Lost, disoriented, abandoned and scared, I managed to find a main street to catch a cab home, shakily got out onto Brighton Ave and walked one block to my house, losing my wallet along the way.

When I finally realized it was missing, too much time had passed for any hope that in a well-trafficked area, I would find my wallet. The thought of canceling and replacing everything was a constant reminder all weekend of the anxiety, shame and sadness of that night. Something told me, the entire time, that it would come back to me.

I checked the mailbox every day to see if someone had dropped it in there and when I ever reached in and felt the mailer today my heart jumped. I couldn’t tear that stupid stretchy FedEx plastic fast enough. There it was! But the biggest surprise was not that all three of my credit cards, my Charlie card with over $50 on it and four $20 bills were inside, along with my license, library card, hospital cards and medical alert card (I have a chronic illness); it was that inside there was one extra thing: a small piece of paper torn from a notebook that read, “Hey, found your wallet on the ground in Allston. Hope losing it temp. didn’t cause too much trouble”

I had to fight back a tear, I was so grateful. It may seem like a small thing, but for me it was much more than a lost item, a hassle and money. I cannot express how proud I am of Boston right now, and this one particular, anonymous good Samaritan. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You can be sure this good deed will be paid forward many-fold.

Boston has a reputation for being a city of cold-hearted bastards—which is perhaps not helped by the fact that many Bostonians pride themselves on being cold-hearted bastards—but it is small, astounding acts of kindness like this that prove even New Englanders can be nice.

Or that we need to build a wall around the city, Texas-style, to prevent any more foreigners from ruining our reputation as borderline sociopaths.

Miss Connections: Minnesota 2.0 Edition

I recently visited my good ol’ home state dere of Minnesota, and in honor of the Land of 10,000 Lakes, this week’s MCs are all from the Minneapolis Craigslist. As we all know, most MCs in Minnesota happen in the supermarket, like this first one:

adam corolla fondled your pinneapples – m4w – 33 (uptown rainbow)

He questioned price on some cookies as made cashier run an isle to check a price..tdude then decided to hit in u..I noticed that he was touching all your items u were going to .buy then the more as he searched for change …I SAVED your gum and ran it outside to u as cashier said that would be sweet …I SHOULD HAVE ASK U TO DINNER. god knowyou weren’t eating pineapples after his grubbing hands were i on them …we did have a nice quick chat about him ..thou u think u digged him lol

What this guy lacks in grammar, he sure makes up for in chivalry! I mean, he SAVED her gum from both the much afeared Produce Fondler and her own terrible short-term memory. (We will ignore the fact that the cashier, whom the poster assumes is actually named “Cashier,” had to tell him it would be a sweet thing to do before he did it. Proving the fact that even sociopaths can do good deeds if given a bit of probing!) He SHOULD HAVE ASK HER TO DINNER, but apparently didn’t because she actually digs the Fondler. Which is not enough of a sign of this woman’s fetish for people who grope grapes, because this man still thinks he can reach her via MC.

Fact: You Are Both Weirdos, and Not The Kind Who Are “Meant For Each Other.”

This next poster expresses the same sentiment:

a poem… – m4w

you came into town

you turned my frown upside down

you went home with a douche

there is no good rhyme for douche

Well played, sir. Well played.

Okay, but where are some sweet postings for thoughtful people?

You Bought My Son’s Nerf Gun at Target – w4m – 38 (St. Louis Park)

My son was checking out at Target with a bag of nickels and you stepped in and bought his Nerf gun. I’m not sure if you were just sick of waiting in line for the a target check out guy to count up the change…either way you made his/my day. A first I thought it was Target that gave him the toy then he explained it was you. I wish I had known this before you walked out the door so I could say thank you. I was checking out in another lane and wanted my son to buy his own toy to learn a lesson about how much things cost and their true worth. You stepped in and taught him a far more important lesson about kindness and generosity. Thank you so much.

Wow, this is so kind. I mean, I’ve seen Pay It Forward, and Minnesotans do have that reputation for being what Bostonians would call “wicked nice, like retahded nice,” but this is really nice…a bit too nice.

Okay, here’s what actually happened: the boy was taking way too fucking long to pay for a $12 Nerf gun with a bag of nickels, because he was paying for it with a bag of nickels. The man behind him started mumbling angrily under his breath about how much he’d like to hit the kid with the bag of change, but the kid (who makes up for his poor business sense with a heightened sense of hearing) heard him and began to cry. The man, not wanting to draw more attention to himself lest people question his motives for purchasing Toilet Buddies, paid for the kid’s Nerf gun. So, not only did the kid get a free Nerf gun, he also learned that by crying, he can get anything he wants. And thus, another sugar baby was born.

This one is called, "Ca Ca Cow." I shit you not.
This one is called, “Ca Ca Cow.” I shit you not.

Congratulations, Mom—your son is going to grow up to be a socially-acceptable type of prostitute. Don’t worry though, his sugar daddy/momma will teach him the value of a dollar…because he’ll know exactly how much work he needs to do to get one.  

This next poster knows exactly what I mean, since women are apparently throwing themselves at him for no good reason:

You dig my accent? I have a question – m4w – 33 (St Paul)

Yet again I get a remark today from a very attractive young lady who said she loved my accent. Very flattering and everything but…

1) I guess I don’t understand how an accent can be ‘hot’ and

2) I don’t understand why I’m always told that in situations where I can’t capitalize on it, shall we say.

What’s with that?? Answers on a postcard please… or in an email. Especially if you’re the young lady who served me in Noodles & Company on Ford Parkway this morning 😉

Here’s some answers:

  1. You suffer from an inability to hear any sort of accent, like being verbally colorblind. Right, there’s nothing inherently ‘hot’ about an accent, unless you think that people who are from a different place are interesting and thinking about them moving their tongue in creative ways to speak your language reminds you of making out. Just like there’s nothing inherently ‘hot’ about blonde girls…unless you like blonde girls.
  2. I’m interested in what a situation that you could “capitalize” on would look like, and why this seems to be a widespread injustice committed against you by kind females. Should the young lady at Noodles & Company have first removed her name tag/t-shirt and then complimented your accent? Should she have waited until you used the restaurant’s bathroom and then whispered it through the keyhole?

At least she didn’t describe your accent as sounding like “a rubber life raft bobbing on a sea of steel drums.”

And, in normal Miss Connections fashion, we’ll end on a tender note:

TCF teller at Cub (scared of thunderstorms) – m4w (Hanson/Northdale Coon Rapids)

You weren’t my teller but I was next to you. You are the most beautiful woman I have EVER seen in my life! Your eyes and ur lips were so amazing! And your smile made me feel good! Scared of thunderstorms your boss said. I’d love to know more about you!

You’re right—her smile IS lovely!

Miss Connections: It’s A Lot to Digest

Anyone who knows me, even just through the social mediaz, knows that I’m totally incompetent when it comes to any form of technology. You could probably put oven mitts and a blindfold on a monkey and they would be able to figure out how to use the Internet better than I can. (Though, to be fair, I am referring to one of those monkeys that’s, like, only a few hundred thousand years removed from human evolutionary history. You know, the smarter ones. Whatever.)

The point is, no matter how much of an imbecile I am at technology, this woman is worse: 

Anthony Roberts I am feeling you – w4m (Waltham)

 staticmap

moody st

Your name is Anthony R ( I know your last name just not posting it here for obvious reasons)

I think your really cute and I want to get to know you but I am not sure if you feel the same

while you talk to me occasionally you have not asked for my number

but i want to hang out with you so email me if you see this

So, not only did this woman include Anthony Roberts’s full name, she also included a city, street name, and MAP of where to find him. I guess her idea of “being discreet” was not posting his cell phone number or Social Security number on the Internet. Well, at least she’s posting for someone she’s met IRL, unlike the next poster:

looking for your Dad – w4m – 72 (Arlington)

Hi, you are a nice young couple, we sat at the Legal Seaside bar enjoying “Portuguese Seafood Stew” yesterday (Friday March 15); we had a brief conversation about your dad, you and your husband live in Grafton.

I was there with my date, I would love to get in touch with your dad. My date was OK, but not what I’m really looking for. If you happen to see this, please ask your Dad to give me a call.

Thank you.

Okay, questions:
1. What did this person say about their father that was so appealing? “He’s filthy rich, ages better than a fine wine and is the best shuffleboard player in his retirement community”?
2. What exactly is a 72-year-old woman looking for? Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of senior citizens dating, because it gives me hope for the future and is like a big middle finger to the stereotype of chaste old folks, but at what point do you decide to just ride out your time by following the adage, “Love the one you’re with”?

3. Why is “Portuguese Seafood Stew” in quotation marks? It makes the dish sound more insidious than seafood anything already is.

I applaud this woman for her shamelessness, though, I really do. Just like this guy:

Man Who Ralphed at Park Street – w4m – 26 (Park Street (alewife))

To the well dressed gentleman who decided a crowded train platform at rush hour was a good place to lose your cookies.

I hope you’re OK. I would have helped but I suffer from a serious form of Emetophobia and was busy trying not to faint and or cry. It’s odd that no one seemed to acknowledge your sickness–but at least I can take comfort in knowing that if I were to suffer from a serious medical ailment, everyone would pretend not to notice.

Oh, is it your first week in Boston? Don’t worry, the collective nonchalance becomes ingrained in you after a while, so that not even you will notice when you throw up in public. 

Hope you were just drunk (at 5PM) and not suffering from the Flu. Let me know if you are OK and also WHY GOD WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME.

Again I ask: is it your first week here? Because he was definitely drunk. Why do you think the streets of the Financial District are lined with giant Irish pubs?

It’s really sweet that this woman is inquiring into his well-being. I mean, acknowledging that he did not intend to throw up at all, much less in order to send her into a conniption, or maybe just handing him a tissue as he was hurling would have been more considerate, but…this is, uh, nice.

Okay, I’ll fess up: I chose this one partially because imagining a man wearing a business suit and throwing up in public makes me feel better about my liberal arts degree. No, I don’t have a full-time job with a steady salary and an office in a skyscraper, but hey, you don’t see me blowing chunks in front of the evening rush hour crowd. At least, no one would be surprised if I did.

Though that mental image hardly competes with this one:

Muffin slap – m4w – 28 (Cambridge, ma)

I saw you on the street today. You had really long fingers. Like, way long. You could probably scratch your knees without bending at all. Also, your neck was fast. It moved with a quick swagger if you know what I mean. By the way you were really good! Now I like a lot of sauce, but this was one sassy slump. You were carrying 14 muffins in one hand with those dumpy fingers and all I wanted to do was create a good muffin slap across your sexy bugs. Contact me if you saw me creating a muffin slap opportunity. I am a man.

This MC reads like it was written alternately by Don DeLillo, a horny British brat, and…Aaron, actually. The language here is just glorious—your neck was fast. It’s a horrifying image, but it’s a very specific one nonetheless. “Sassy slump”? I don’t know what the hell that is, but dear God do I love it. And it’s anyone’s guess as to what this woman was really good at, but even the most overarching and misplaced compliments can deliver a self-esteem boost. The only part I totally did not understand was what a “muffin slap” is.

In addition to being effectively Amish when it comes to technology, I am totally out of the loop on the culture of anyone who grew up after the 1970’s. Naturally, I went to Urban Dictionary for the definition of “muffin slap”: 

This is a physical diss for all girls who have muffin tops. You approach one of these unfortunates from behind (for those more daring, or rather semi-retarded, you can advance from the front) and with both hands slap her muffins.

muffin top
Awww yeah, I wanna slap me summa dat

So this man, who provides absolutely no other description of himself than that he has a penis, is either being a huge fatphobic asshole, or just very open about his muffin slapping-fetish. And because I’m optimistic, and a little in love with his poetic description of her sassy slump sauce, I will assume it’s the latter.

You find that quick-necked woman, Man, and may you both slap each other’s muffins.

Miss Connections: When The Weirdos Come Out to Play

Scanning Missed Connections for interesting posts can sometimes be disappointing. Most posts are horribly vague–one this week actually just said, “You were hot, walking down the street. We made eye contact.” so, EVERYONE who left their house that day–or just vengeful nonsense–“Fine, go back to that whore, but will she ever understand what ‘Raging in the Deep’ means like I do?”

This week, however, the Freaks of Boston really came out in full force. Take, for example, this anti-pedophile:

Indoor Playground – m4w – 36 (Watertown)

Went there last week and was impressed with the mommies and nannies. I’m tall, lean, and bearded

If we smiled and made eye contact, say hi.

Have a good day

Let’s consider for a moment how a 36-year-old man found himself at an indoor playground stalking female child wranglers in the first place. He makes no mention of a child, like, “I was the dude with the five-year-old dressed as Spiderman who was screaming for an ice cream cone,” so I can only assume he was there alone. This is how I imagine his day went down:

–Wake up on couch in front of the TV, having fallen asleep to infomercials for Chia Pets that look like Obama, cigarette butts and Bud Light cans littering the floor
–Wallow in self-pity
–Drink a Gatorade and eat the leftovers of a Meat Supreme pizza you don’t remember ordering
–Decide to clean yourself up and go out (eventually settling on your nicest sweatshirt and a quick sink wash of your armpits)
–Search for some place more exciting than the dank bar you usually frequent in the early afternoons, remembering that women your age often have children and therefore congregate at schools, but loitering at an elementary school is creepy, so you eventually settle on the nearby indoor playground
–Feel strangely drawn to the maternal figures at said playground because you clearly need someone to take care of you, though it doesn’t really matter who at this point so no need to remember any of these women in particular detail
–Return home feeling like you’ve accomplished something and maybe grown as a human
–Wipe away said feelings by writing a MC for any and all of the women you just stared down while they tried to herd their children away from you
–Return to the couch, the only one who truly understands you

As much as that MC weirds me out, the next one hits a bit closer to home—because I actually used to live here:

courtyard Fremont you were role playing a dog getting pounded loved – mw4mw – 35 (Boston )

we went to bill burr Saturday night.

When I was a freshman at Emerson College, right in the heart of downtown Boston, they ran out of space for all of the incoming co-eds (“Oops, you’re homeless!”) and had to rent out the entire 7th floor of the Courtyard Marriot, down the street on Tremont. (Bill Burr was performing at the Wilbur Theatre that night, not twenty feet away. Also, “Fremont” Street is in Mattapan.) A lot of weird shit happens when you live in a hotel, but this is by far one of the strangest:

you were in the room next to us…
you role played a dog while your husband or boyfriend fucked you crazy from behind.
then you talked about it after you came and you got the outfit from I party…
thin walls in the hotel, but we want to meet you.
it was hot
email us the room number you were in
would love to have a drink together.

So at first you’re all, “Oh, they listened to a couple doing it doggy-style. It’s weird that they could tell the position through the walls, but otherwise this is pretty normal.” And then the poster is like, “BAM, I mean a literal dog outfit. Not only did we listen to the whole thing, we also realized we’re furries and into foursomes. Let’s make it happen.” It’s kind of beautiful, in a way, that these people found each other…it’s also disturbing for me to imagine all this going down in the bedroom I occupied for a year. How many people played out their “Shaggy Dog” fantasies on my sheets before I lived there?

This is one of the least creepy things you find when Googling "shaggy dog fantasy." Just...trust me.
This is one of the least creepy things you find when Googling “shaggy dog fantasy.” Just…trust me.

This MC, however, is even more personal…

Red Line, Green Line, Copley – m4w – 25 (Copley)

I got on the Red Line at Harvard and noticed you sitting with your friend. We both transferred to the Green at Park, and I sat directly across from you. We made eye contact. We smiled at each other. My heart literally started racing. We both got off at Copley. I wanted to say something to you, but you raced away and I thought maybe I had freaked you out. If you see this, and your heart started racing too, I hope that you respond.

You: short dark hair, jeans, pumas. Me: short dark hair, jeans, pumas.

…because it is definitely just a post for himself. Narcissists, take note: when you get goosebumps from seeing yourself in the reflection of a subway window, it’s time to hit up the Family Dollar for a pocket mirror. It will save you a lot of money in T passes.

Miss Connections: The Science Edition

Much like cold sores on a college campus, the love of MCs has spread across this frat house of a nation. My friend and fellow MC lover, Joel, recently brought this infographic to my attention:

Image

Take a minute to soak this all in.

No no, take your time, there are at least 50 states up there.

Okay, so a few disturbing trends:

THE WALMART BELT

Public spaces where people congregate and “hang out” are generally the types of places you’d imagine seeing someone from across the room, maybe even having a few words of dialogue, and then later being retroactively ballsy/desperate enough to write a MC. In most of the South and Midwest, it seems the hip joint where all the cool cats go after work and before re-runs of Cops is…WalMart. For anyone who’s seen People of WalMart, you know there’s a lot of connections to be missed.
3363This woman, for example, was caught building a meth lab on a WalMart shelf in Oklahoma. I imagine that MC would read something like:

M 4 W —

Hey girl i saw you down aisle 5 next to the economy sized bleach cookin up some meth, and some love in my hart. i cant stop thinking about the way you mixed those household chemicals into a highly addictive, brain-sizzling, life-ruining substance. i’m interested in chemistry too, and i think i have sum with you. you didnt stop until the cops came and dragged you out–i love a woman with confidence. let me know if you want to get freaky through the glass pane of a supervised room during visiting hours.

THE CAR

So either Georgia doesn’t have WalMarts, or (more likely) they are so far away from where humans live that more time is spent in the car driving to and fro. Or all the retirees driving through Georgia on their way to Gated RV Community, FL are undressing each other with their eyes in a last-ditch attempt to check “swinging” off of their bucket lists. Which is actually really dangerous, because RVs are like road whales, and you’re probably going pretty fast. Senior Citizens: Stop. Eye-fucking. While. Driving.

Seriously.

PARKING LOTS

I mean, I know Rhode Island is small, but goddammit you guys–parking lots? Is every MC written by a bored suburban teenager, or someone who fell in love with a member of their rival gang’s family and can only express themselves through dance?

"It's really hard to land my jumps when cars keep trying to park here."
“It’s really hard to land my jumps when cars keep trying to park here.”

COLLEGE CAMPUS

Utah –> Brigham Young University –> Mormons.  I once worked with a woman who told me she had gone to BYU to find a husband. She has a doctorate and is the Executive Director of an international non-profit.

I’ll let Aaron elaborate on that.

But the most disturbing trend, by far, is…

AT HOME

I had to look at Indiana a few times before finally accepting what it actually says. “Athome”? It could be a really hip bar. No, maybe it’s “at ho, me.” Dear God, it really just is “at home.” And because I don’t like incest, I wanted to assume the best: Indiana is full of people looking for themselves. It’s really just an Existentialist State, where most people lounge at home in pools of ennui, wondering whether they really exist at all, and whether it even matters anymore.

And then I went to the Indianapolis MC list and found this:

Mail Carrier – m4w – 29 (Noblesville)

My dear love. You know I would have done anything for you. I still can’t believe you “took care” our twins. You told me to back off while you were leaving your husband then go and get a boyfriend. You said you loved me. I have mixed emotions that I don’t get to see you anymore since you transfered. Part of me misses you and the other part is glad I don’t have to see what I can’t have. Hope your boss is making you happy.
Mike
…it gives mail-order bride a whole new meaning.  It’s genius, really: why leave the house when you can get love delivered to you? I mean, shit, order a pizza and see who shows up. Let them take care of your twins, even! Just don’t be upset when their franchise of Domino’s suddenly “stops delivering to your zip code.”
Oh, and to the states where the gym was the most frequent site of MCs: the rest of the nation hopes you feel really great about finding toned, sweaty, half-naked people attractive. We can see the beauty in people anywhere–but especially in stores that sell bulk items.

VDMC: Valentine’s Day Miss Connections

What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than scouring the annals of Craigslist’s Lonely Hearts Club for the most laughable attempts at making human connections, I always say!

At least, that’s what I’m saying this year, because my Valentine to SFSF is the first Miss Connections of 2013!

I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO IGNORE YOU LADIES

[This is both the heading of the first MC, and my apology for being so negligent in writing Miss Connections. Moving on…]

YOU LADIES ARE WRITING TO ME AND YOU ARE NOT BEING HONEST WITH ME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH OF YOU LADIES IS WRITING WHAT BECAUSE YOU ARE HIDING, WHICH ISN’T FAIR BECAUSE MOST IF NOT ALL OF YOU LADIES ARE WRITING TO ME.

That’s an amazing track record, isn’t it? Most, if not ALL, of the ladies who read this MC are writing to him. I’m almost afraid to post this, for fear it might turn into an Internet version of The Ring—once you read this MC, ladies, you have seven days to write to him or you, uh…cease to be a lady. I mean, you probably have enough time to read the rest of this blog post, but after that you should definitely consider writing to him.

I HOPE TO MEET A LADY IN PERSON.

Ah, the mystikal sighting of a lady! How long mere mortals have yearned to see one in the flesh!

YOU LADIES ARE GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM. IN PERSON. I AMN’T FOUR PEOPLE. A SINGLE MAN, LOST, LONELY AND AFRAID AT TIMES.

Goddammit. This last line is so naked, so vulnerable, it almost makes me feel bad for mocking the poor guy. I just want to tell him that there is a place on the Internet for confessions of weakness, and it’s called Xanga circa 2004.

Okay, let’s try someone who knows whom they’re addressing, first name and all:

Sarah who works at Museum of Science + Children’s Museum. – m4w – 25 (The Sinclair)

hey,

i never do this, and I’m not sure what your story is, but we met tonight at the sinclair. you were with some friends but didn’t care much for the bands playing.

you told me a sub-par story about a coffee shop and a guy in a wheelchair. although you were slightly tipsy, it was adorable. i think you said you’re from texas.

i wasn’t in a great place to have a conversation, and you said you usually don’t talk to strangers, but I would love to hear more of these sub-par stories sometime over coffee or drinks.

I will admit that I opened this MC because my name is Sarah and, though I have never worked at either of these museums, I have always wanted to. So I imagined myself being this Sarah, one who works with science and brats and goes to concerts and talks to strangers. I imagined opening an MC where the poster describes me first as a disinterested audience member, then as a sub-par storyteller, who is adorable despite the fact that she is tipsy (which is definitely a euphemism for “sloppy”), and then almost maybe remembers my home state.

And then I promptly copied, pasted, and mocked. As adorable as this guy probably thinks he is in this MC, Sarah is offended. She thinks that wheelchair coffee shop story was worthwhile, and she doesn’t usually talk to strangers because, even when they have the buffer of the Internet between themselves and her, they will feel the need to tease her in order to win her affections. May as well tell Sarah her eyes are two mesmerizing crumbs of stale bread in pools of curdled milk, for God’s sake.

The next poster finally got it right:

Cute Toll Collector I-90E – w4m – 29 (Brighton/Allston Exit)

Me: brunnette, bangs, blue eyes, blushes easily. You: blond, very short hair, great smile.

You were so good looking I got flustered trying to hand you change…you may have been slightly amused? I make that drive every Monday and I think I’ve seen you on one other occasion and had a similar experience. Just thought I’d let you know the effect you’re having on female motorists.

Okay, it’s not the most inventive or heartwarming MC I’ve ever posted, but I appreciate it because it’s written for a toll collector. Do you understand how relentlessly boring a job like that is? You are stuck in a phone booth, asking grumpy passersby for change. It’s like being a professional highway panhandler. No one expects to have fun doing that job, and along comes this woman who not only gets flustered trying to hand you a handful of nickles, but she thinks about you enough to write an MC later. Now THAT is romance!

But the last MC this week goes not to the most romantic, but the poster who clearly has the best sense of humor:

To the girl who flipped me the bird this afternoon – m4w – 24 (Lechmere, Near Science Museum)

You: Irate woman (probably mid-late twenties), sunglasses, driving some sort of gas-guzzling “luxury” SUV.

Me: The blue-eyed dude in a silver Toyota Corolla that was unwittingly blocking some sort of stupid left-hand turn opening that could only be found in Boston/New England.

There was a huge cluster-fuck of a traffic jam just past the Lechmere T stop. You tried to make some insanely stupid, stubborn move across my lane. I, being trapped between a bunch of other cars (this was a traffic jam, bee tee dubz) had nowhere to go. You proceed to throw your hands up in exasperation and when I proceeded to mock you, you flipped me one hell of a sexy middle finger.

I laughed in return and threw one back at you. You then (I could only guess by your agitated facial expressions and lip movements) cursed at me and flipped another sweet, slender middle finger in my direction. I responded with a double-dose of “fuck you” symbolism, and you drove away.

Coffee sometime? Maybe we can tell each other to fuck off in person.

I had to read this MC a few times to decide whether I thought the poster was passive aggressively ranting or legitimately asking this woman out. Despite the fact that he insults her car and portrays little that he likes about her, I feel like this is a real MC. He doesn’t sound angry, and there’s no other reason for him to write all of this on CL unless he actually wants to chance finding this woman. Who knows, maybe he’s into rageful females.

But the real MC should be for this guy:

P.S. To the old dude who followed this girl through the same lane and shook his fist at me, you’re the man. I proceeded to mock you too, and instead of getting pissed like previously mentioned girl, you laughed and threw up a peace sign. You win.

He certainly does.

Miss Connections: Tenth (Post) Anniversary Edition

This week’s MC (which comes latelatelate, I know—but if you’re missing it, you can always read the past weeks’. Or, you know, obsessively read MC to the point where it interferes with your social life. But who needs friends when you have the Loneliest Souls on the Internet, amirite?) marks the tenth week of the Miss Connections column. So, as a special feature, the first MC this week was sent in by a fan. If you have ever read the Comments section of any post on SFSF, you will read some snarky and/or inspirational note from a commenter named Susan. She’s my mom.

I know, cute, right?

Well, my mother started reading the Minneapolis MC—yes, I was born and bred in Minnesota, these hips don’t lie—and sent me the following MC, which is especially relevant because it happened RIGHT next to where she works, and because I am my family’s “dirty hippie.” It’s also fucking adorable:

Self Proclaimed “Dirty Hippy” at Dunn Bros. – m4w – 27 (Loring Park)

Dear Self Proclaimed “Dirty Hippie”,

You were sitting close to me at Dunn Bros. this morning, Saturday, talking with a friend/loved-one/telemarketer on the phone and you had an interesting conversation about your first days/weeks in Minneapolis.

Wait, was she talking to each of these three types of people in turn, or do you just assume that she would speak to a friend, a loved one, and a telemarketer in the same way? How many people use telemarketers as tele-therapists? Better question: why doesn’t everyone?  It’s not like they’re going to hang up on you.

They’ll just ignore you as if you were their parents trying to tell them Bright Eyes was cool seven years ago.

Yes, I listened to your conversation. I apologize for being so rude, but don’t worry, I’m here to help.

Okay, let’s be real: we all do that. If you’re in a public place, people will listen to your conversation. It’s not eavesdropping if they’re talking about something interesting, I always say!

The subject of bar stools arose near the end of your conversation and whether or not you should purchase some for your new apartment.

At first, I agreed with you and I thought you should wait to get bar stools until you actually have friends to sit in said bar stools. A very wise, logical point. Because, obviously, you would go to buy the bar stools, and the salesperson, the point person for your bar stool purchase, would certainly ascertain as to the use of your bar stools, as an inquiring salesperson is wont to do. And of course, with you not having any friends in the city, you would have to either 1) make-up friends and tell the salesperson that you are having a bunch of your (made-up) friends over for a (made-up) get together (probably Hawaiian/Tiki themed) or 2) tell the salesperson the awful truth that you just moved to the city and don’t have any friends, thus furthering your self-esteem downward spiral. And who wants to buy bar stools in a sad state? I certainly don’t. And I’m pretty sure you don’t either. Buying bar stools should be a happy, momentous occasion.

Right up there with graduating high school and getting married!

I’m fairly certain you would be left weeping over your unused bar stools, cursing their existence. You would have to greet them every morning, filled with hollowed pleasantries. “Hey, Bar Stools! How was your night last night, empty and unfulfilled? Great. Mine too!”

I’m like REAL close to writing an MC for this guy, asking him to be a contributer to SFSF…

But then, as my mind wandered, I read through a couple inspirational quotes and phrases, and I realized, no! No! No, goddammit! Go buy the bar stools and the friends will come! Yes! Go buy the bar stools and their vacant, cushioned tops will call out to soon-to-be friends, yelling at the top of their comforting, bar stool lungs: “Yes, come sit on me! Relish in my proportioned butt to cushion seat ratio! Join me and your new friend “dirty hippy girl that sits on at Dunn Bros. on Saturday mornings” and we shall dwell in bar stool nirvana!” Yes. You just read that last sentence correctly. Defy the odds. Go buy the bar stools and the friends will come knocking. Self-esteem downward spiral be damned!

A newly purchased IKEA bar stool is a friend indeed.

Welcome to Minneapolis.

HOLY SHIT

GET ON THAT NOW

SERIOUSLY

HAIR LIP AND GIANT FACE MOLE BE DAMNED!

I mean, I can only assume that someone this charming, and actually funny, who is single, and yet lacks the confidence to approach this girl, must have some sort of physical aberration. Or, like, a predilection for brushing his teeth with chocolate pudding or another equally heinous quirk.

As much as I comb Boston’s MCs every week, I cannot read them all, let alone ones from other cities. SO, readers, this is where you come in: send us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses! Send us your MCs with snarky comments! We will post at least one of these things on this blog. (The tired, poor, and huddled masses will also be put to good use…building the world’s most pre-beleaguered army. But that’s another blog post.)

You can send in your MCs with commentary, or just the plain ol’ MC and I’ll put my own spin on it, to: sanfranciscostreetfighter@gmail.com.

Okay, enough of the cutesyadorable fuzzy times; let’s get into that creepy shit:

Think you followed me to a gas station – m4w – 27 (Marlborough)

Left the Solomon pond mall, you were in a red Saturn. I think you followed me to rt 20 in Marlborough. I think I should have said hi. I was in a blue car. If I am right and you see this hit me up. I want to buy you drink and see where it goes.

Another reverse stalker MC? Again? Why is this a trend? This woman, of course, is delusional, as she fails to realize two very important things:

  1. Malls are meant to attract large groups of people.
  2. Freeways and highways are meant to provide routes for large groups of people to get from gathering places (see: #1) to any other place on Earth.

So the chances that this guy actually did follow her from the mall to Route 20 are very high. The chances that he did it on purpose, with the Bates-esque intention of seducing this woman via stalking, are right up there with the chances of Dick Cheney living forever: not totally impossible, but God help us all if either one is true.

Though, if this next MC is real, it takes this week’s pixelated cake for Most Terrifying Reality:

Craig Robinson I’m having your… – w4m – 26 (Back Bay)

Being optimistic, I’m going to assume that this sentence ends with, “parents over for dinner and forgot to invite you and all three of us have lost our phones and there was an Internet apocalypse and MC is the only thing left standing.” Because, really, the only other thing she could write, the strangest and saddest thing, is—

Baby in about 4 months.

That’s the one!

It would mean the world to me if you call me. My husband is thrilled to be a dad and is ok with you being part of this. You only get to see your child born once!

Or never, since I thought the best way to reach you was through MC!

I hope this finds you and finds you well.

Keri M.

There are a lot of questions left unanswered here. Like, why did she wait five months before contacting Craig, using the most obscure means possible? Is she working her way up through the forgotten and ignored methods of communication, beginning with Friendster and ending with actually just calling the guy? Why is her husband okay with this? If she slept with Craig five months ago, did she cheat on her husband, or did she get married within the past few months? Or is he a sperm donor? If so, shouldn’t she have a more reliable, and confidential, way of asking him to watch her push a human out of her birth canal?

But the most pressing question really is: How many weirdos responded pretending to be Craig, who weren’t me?  I can only hope for a follow-up MC…

Miss Connections: The One Where Self-Awareness Just Does Not Work

If you’ve been reading Miss Connections, you know that a number of MCs are these meta, self-aware pieces that try to use their meta-ness to compensate for their complete lack of emotional intelligence.  Sometimes, the meta-ness is actually cute, but most of the time, it just comes off like this:

Chick on the Greenline, I fell on your face – m4w – 26 (Boston)

Surely he can’t mean that literally!

So me and my friends were on our way back from the Red Sox game, I was a little tipsy, the subway car moved and I fell on your face.

It wasn’t graceful, manly or redeeming in any way, I actually looked super gay

He totally looked like he has sex with other dudes when he fell on your face! And not even a graceful gay, like, a really clumsy, feminine, shameful gay!

Not every gay person can be as agile as you, Takei.

but we joked about it for a while. You were wearing black pants and had a backpack. I was wearing a Bill Murray T-shirt, jeans and Red Sox hat. So If you read this, Hi, you should e-mail me sometime, Im still embarrassed about the whole deal and we should totally talk about it.

Remember that one time you were trying to get home without being molested, and I threw my entire sweat-soaked backside into your face, which totally made everyone on the train question my masculinity? Good times. …So, you like public transportation or something?”

I can only imagine how the conversation would progress from there. Though that MC is far more adorable, and has a way higher chance of success, than this one:

Best Guy on CL – m4w – 32 (Brookline)

You are asking yourself, “why is he the best guy on CL”.

Not anymore—it’s because you’re psychic!

I will tell you why. As an experiment I put an ad up as a girl to see what my competition is like. Ha competition! Those guys are one helmet away from living in their Mom’s basement. So yeah I’m better than they are. Not saying much, I know.

Your combination of neuroses, condescension, and self-abasement could be nothing short of attractive! Just one question: does owning a helmet work in reverse to give you developmental disabilities, like the symptom creating the condition? Or are you suggesting that these men could, at any moment, be attacked so fiercely by a helmet that they’ll end up in their parents’ care?

Anyway……

I’m 32 and I live in Brookline. I try not to take life too seriously, I’m sarcastic and love to have fun. My favorite things to do include, kayaking, fishing, going out for drinks or dinner, running, biking and I love to cook. I have a career, my own place and a car – hence I am an adult.

This is something I learned from the self-help book, ‘How to Become a Real Adult, in Three Easy Steps!’ Why yes, I do do much of my shopping off of infomercials…how did you know?”

I’m in pretty decent shape, I run a couple times a week and kayak a couple times a week. I need to get biking more in the mix I just bought a bike.

I am basically looking for a girl who like me is active and hopefully is a bit outdoorsy. I am not looking for someone who drinks to excess often, does drugs, is a bbw or has children. I know some of that makes me shallow, so be it.

For those of you who don’t read CL all day, erry day (my heart goes out to you, sad souls with productive lives), BBW stands for “big beautiful woman.” Basically, he’s just saying “no fat chicks” in a euphemistic way. But he knows saying that makes him shallow, so his self-awareness sort of makes up for his douchiness in a way, right? Ladies?

Well, at least the poster of this next MC is self-aware in a cute way:

No good looking people on this floor! – m4w – 32 (North Andover)

I’ve told you twice that good looking people aren’t allowed on our floor. You said I should come down there so you could rub it in my face.

Aw, cute! Neighbors with a sexy rapport!

Look, I’m married. I don’t know if you saw my ring. You’re probably just joking and responding to my flirting. But if you’re not, I’d love to take you out. I’ll treat you like gold.

…Wait, did I say his self-awareness was “cute?” I meant “horrifyingly shameless, and a bit sacrilegious.”

There are a surprising number of MCs from married men and women. Not surprising because I think all married people are completely loyal all the time, but because it’s on Craigslist. I mean, look at this MC: there is a specific place (North Andover), age (32), and interaction listed. This man’s spouse could quite easily figure out if this is her husband. Or one of her friends could see it and alert her to it. Because it’s ON THE INTERNET. It’s the same reason you don’t post nudie pics on Facebook. I mean, the same reason you post nudie pics but increase your privacy settings so your extended family and potential employers can’t see them on Facebook. It’s just technological common sense.

This last MC, per usual, is just an overwhelming display of affection and appreciation for strangers:

You left a message for someone – m4w (Everett bus stop)

but who was it for, and who are you?

Your message was very sweet, and uplifting. Thank you for spreading the love.

No no no, thank you for spreading the love, MC poster. You’ve made the Internet a beautiful place again.

Miss Connections: The One Where Shit Happens

This week on MC, people just did not know when to give up and keep their mouths shut.  Sometimes you just make yourself look like an idiot, and sometimes it’s just…revolting.

For example: You ever been a situation where you feel like you’re giving all the right signals to tell someone you’re just not interested, and they can’t seem to take the hint?  Ever been the person who can’t take a hint?  Then maybe you’ll be able to relate to the following MC:

You were in the group Shai and had on the black NY cap w/Adidas – w4m – 33 (At Rain nightclub)

OK so I know you are an educated lovely singer with soul. I did admire your talent from on stage. to the left of you. I know the crowd was wild with some crazy drunk chicks. But I, a classy Master’s educated professional woman was daydreaming of being somewhere quiet with you and saying up until the sun arose, talking and exchanging lyrics of intellect. 

I’m better than all those other bitches. I’m boring and quiet. I have a Master’s. In what, you ask? Well, it’s certainly not punctuation or spelling!” Seriously, if you’re going to condescend to an entire “crowd” of people, you gotta make sure you’re actually better than them. But, then again, if you’re trying to condescend to everyone around you, you’re probably not. Though this woman does have one superior quality: she speaks in lyrics! How appropriate!

I did go back stage and saw members of your crew, and Joe asked me if I wanted a pic, I asked the tall one where you were for you were the only one who sparked any interest from me.

He said you had left. Big pout. He asked if I wanted a pic and I said no. My friends will have me for that one but it doesn’t matter. 🙂 

Uh, actually, it kinda does. Why would this guy be interested in you after you basically said, “The other members of your band aren’t even worth taking a photo with”? They nicely offered to take a picture with you, something you knew your friends would appreciate even if you’re too far up your own ass to do so, and you refused?

I only wanted to converse with you. One stage we shared chemistry not the chemistry that you had to play off to your fans but real chemistry. 

Surely performers never try to make each fan feel like she’s the only girl in the world!

I motioned for you to come back over next to me, when you went to the other side of the stage and you came back!

Surely performers never work the stage to perpetuate the illusion that each fan is the only girl in the world! Surely they sit in a dark corner of the stage, staring at their feet, avoiding eye contact with all of their fans!

I would like to get to know you if by strange fate you see this in which the law of Universal Attraction will allow you to see for I am projecting out…all the more fate on our side.

Okay, now I see where the Master’s degree comes in. She’s a scientist!

I am “proud” of you, you did a great job!

Wait, why is that in quotes? Why do I suddenly feel like you actually want to be his mother?

Blurry pic of you below. And from the back, but you were the one in the Black baseball cap with NY and black and white stripe Adidas sneakers. In the professional pic you are representing that “B”. 🙂

Image
I should note here that this woman took two photos of him from behind while he was performing, and then posted two more photos that I assume she took from somewhere online (since she certainly didn’t take any photos with this guy who was clearly in love with her, yet bolted before she got backstage).

It’s like she’s never attended a concert, or even seen a video of a rap performance before. This is what they do. Performers, especially rappers, play off of their audience. That’s kinda the point of live shows. If you were relegated to taking photos of him from behind while he performed…he’s probably off with one of those “crazy drunk chicks,” having a raucous good time.

The next MC is similarly from someone who just does not understand straight-up avoidance:

Kaitlyn – wrote down your # wrong – m4w – 29 (tavern in the square, allston)

I stopped you by the stairs and said you were really cute. We had a nice little conversation. I said your nose was top 3 in the last 25 ive seen. I got your number, planned a date for Monday night, but I typed it in wrong!

If you see this shoot me an email.

There were actually a few MCs like this one recently, and the following response works equally well for them all: You didn’t type her number in wrong. You didn’t accidentally replace all the zeros with o’s or dyslexically type it all in backwards; she just gave you a fake number.

You think you had chemistry? You don’t think she would have done something so mean just to get away from you? Did you think maybe stopping a woman on the stairs and ranking her nose was a surefire way to get a real phone number?

Oh, honey, that’s just precious. Yeah, women would never do that to you. They always show their true emotions and are incapable of deceit.  Quick, go back to your Nick at Nite re-runs, I think The Brady Bunch is about to start.

Normally, when I go through MC, I can spot the phonies. There are some people who post on MC repeatedly, and some who post weird chain emails, and some who just fabricate funny encounters. While this next one is so disgusting and ridiculous that it sounds fake, I have my reasons that it might be true…

Poaching eggs and sorry about your sprinkler lol – m4w – 31 (Topsfield)

I was running up by the church near 97 and had to stop because I felt sick to my stomach. You came out of your house and asked if I was hungry, and I didn’t know what to do so I went in with you and you showed me how to poach an egg in Everclear and vinegar. I asked you if I could use your bathroom but you said it was broken but if I had to pee I could go out back. I didn’t want to tell you I had to take a dump (that’s why I had a stomach ache) because I was embarrassed and it hurt so bad. So I went out back and found what I thought was a good corner to take a dump, but when I looked to see how I’d done I saw that I’d pooped on your sprinkler. Sorry about that haha. I ran away after that and never ate the eggs. Also I forgot to ask your name and feel weird showing up at your house because of the poop I took. But I left my runnign shoes in your front entrance way and I thought you were pretty cute. Let me know if you think this is you. No scammers.

Reasons this MC Could Be Real:

  1. There is a specific place mentioned.
  2. It’s in a weird suburb of Boston, not any place that would make a ton of people interested in reading it if they were just cruising MC.
  3. There are waaaaay too many details.
  4. He took a dump on the sprinkler, not a sleeping cat or a baby or something more ridiculous.
  5. I want it to be.

I almost wish that were the last MC anyone ever read, but, alas, I feel compelled to leave you on an adorable note:

I crashed my bike into your kayak – m4w (Boston)

I kind of think that posting this on craigslist is bordering on being creepy, however my friend sitting next to me insists that “everyone does it”… 

This is a true fact that everyone should spread like gonorrhea at a brothel.

It was kind of like the perfect set up for a romantic comedy, boy and bike collides with girl and kayak.

In which movie is it normal for bikes and kayaks to collide? The summer blockbuster, When Global Warming Gets So Bad that Boston Sinks Into the Sea: A Rom-Com? Whatever, you’re being whimsical, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

As cute as I thought you were it didn’t occur to me until after I rode far away, to properly introduce myself and ask if you’d make up for trying to kill me with small watercraft by letting me buy you cup of coffee, or tea… or hot chocolate. Whatever kayaking girls like to drink.

In the unlikely chance you happen to see this, How about it?

Uh, DUH.

Now my friend is telling me that I have to ask you to tell me some specific detail about our crash because I’m going to get responses from jokers and spammers.

How about you mention the location of where this happened?

Posting on craigslist feels all kinds of weird. 

Even though I would normally say he’s stupid for stating that it feels weird to post on CL (because it’s obviously not weird enough for you to NOT DO IT), his cute factor at this point outweighs his dumb factor. All I can say is: Thank the stars there are friends out there who encourage you to post on Missed Connections.