Miss Connections: The One Where Self-Awareness Just Does Not Work

If you’ve been reading Miss Connections, you know that a number of MCs are these meta, self-aware pieces that try to use their meta-ness to compensate for their complete lack of emotional intelligence. Sometimes, the meta-ness is actually cute, but most of the time, it just comes off like this:

Chick on the Greenline, I fell on your face – m4w – 26 (Boston)

Surely he can’t mean that literally!

So me and my friends were on our way back from the Red Sox game, I was a little tipsy, the subway car moved and I fell on your face.

…

It wasn’t graceful, manly or redeeming in any way, I actually looked super gay

He totally looked like he has sex with other dudes when he fell on your face! And not even a graceful gay, like, a really clumsy, feminine, shameful gay!

Not every gay person can be as agile as you, Takei.

but we joked about it for a while. You were wearing black pants and had a backpack. I was wearing a Bill Murray T-shirt, jeans and Red Sox hat. So If you read this, Hi, you should e-mail me sometime, Im still embarrassed about the whole deal and we should totally talk about it.

“Remember that one time you were trying to get home without being molested, and I threw my entire sweat-soaked backside into your face, which totally made everyone on the train question my masculinity? Good times. …So, you like public transportation or something?”

I can only imagine how the conversation would progress from there. Though that MC is far more adorable, and has a way higher chance of success, than this one:

Best Guy on CL – m4w – 32 (Brookline)

You are asking yourself, “why is he the best guy on CL”.

Not anymore—it’s because you’re psychic!

I will tell you why. As an experiment I put an ad up as a girl to see what my competition is like. Ha competition! Those guys are one helmet away from living in their Mom’s basement. So yeah I’m better than they are. Not saying much, I know.

Your combination of neuroses, condescension, and self-abasement could be nothing short of attractive! Just one question: does owning a helmet work in reverse to give you developmental disabilities, like the symptom creating the condition? Or are you suggesting that these men could, at any moment, be attacked so fiercely by a helmet that they’ll end up in their parents’ care?

Anyway……

I’m 32 and I live in Brookline. I try not to take life too seriously, I’m sarcastic and love to have fun. My favorite things to do include, kayaking, fishing, going out for drinks or dinner, running, biking and I love to cook. I have a career, my own place and a car – hence I am an adult.

“This is something I learned from the self-help book, ‘How to Become a Real Adult, in Three Easy Steps!’ Why yes, I do do much of my shopping off of infomercials…how did you know?”

I’m in pretty decent shape, I run a couple times a week and kayak a couple times a week. I need to get biking more in the mix I just bought a bike.

I am basically looking for a girl who like me is active and hopefully is a bit outdoorsy. I am not looking for someone who drinks to excess often, does drugs, is a bbw or has children. I know some of that makes me shallow, so be it.

For those of you who don’t read CL all day, erry day (my heart goes out to you, sad souls with productive lives), BBW stands for “big beautiful woman.” Basically, he’s just saying “no fat chicks” in a euphemistic way. But he knows saying that makes him shallow, so his self-awareness sort of makes up for his douchiness in a way, right? Ladies?

Well, at least the poster of this next MC is self-aware in a cute way:

No good looking people on this floor! – m4w – 32 (North Andover)

I’ve told you twice that good looking people aren’t allowed on our floor. You said I should come down there so you could rub it in my face.

Aw, cute! Neighbors with a sexy rapport!

Look, I’m married. I don’t know if you saw my ring. You’re probably just joking and responding to my flirting. But if you’re not, I’d love to take you out. I’ll treat you like gold.

…Wait, did I say his self-awareness was “cute?” I meant “horrifyingly shameless, and a bit sacrilegious.”

There are a surprising number of MCs from married men and women. Not surprising because I think all married people are completely loyal all the time, but because it’s on Craigslist. I mean, look at this MC: there is a specific place (North Andover), age (32), and interaction listed. This man’s spouse could quite easily figure out if this is her husband. Or one of her friends could see it and alert her to it. Because it’s ON THE INTERNET. It’s the same reason you don’t post nudie pics on Facebook. I mean, the same reason you post nudie pics but increase your privacy settings so your extended family and potential employers can’t see them on Facebook. It’s just technological common sense.

This last MC, per usual, is just an overwhelming display of affection and appreciation for strangers:

You left a message for someone – m4w (Everett bus stop)

but who was it for, and who are you?

Your message was very sweet, and uplifting. Thank you for spreading the love.