Miss Connections: The One Where People Think Way Too Highly of Themselves

Many, if not most, MCs are written by people who seem to lack the self-esteem to say these things in person, in the moment.  There are probably thousands more MCs that go unwritten for the same reason, and millions of missed opportunities to connect with people everyday because I’m too shy or not cute enough or just not something enough.

I wish that were the case for this first MC.

Party Girls Wanted for Nascar – m4w (Needham)

Looking for 2 women who want to Party for free in My RV .For New Hampshire Race Saturday and Sunday Tickets are on me. You weekend is free Just come along .

Let me get this straight: you want me to spend a whole weekend in New Hampshire. At a Nascar race. Sleeping in an RV with someone who doesn’t know a single female that will entertain this proposal. Without expecting a single thing in return. Every girl’s dream!

we are 50 and 47 old men . but act younger

“We’re middle-aged, but act like college frat boys. All of the immaturity of coeds, with none of the good looks or charm! Triple threat!”

RV sleeps 8 with all the comforts of home . Tickets are in Turn 1 , I am a season ticket holder .

Let’s assume you’re a female who is so crazy about Nascar that you’re willing to consider this proposal for even a second. To any woman with an ounce of self-respect, the former sentence is the most appealing one so far, since it means there’s a chance that, in this double-family-sized monstrosity-on-wheels, you won’t have to see either of these guys all weekend. To a woman who values Nascar more than her dignity, self-esteem, or any of that other crap your American Girl dolls taught you about, the latter is super attractive, I guess. But then this guy really nails it:

Please send a pix and why you want to go

Yes, that’s right—he’s AUDITIONING women. There is a chance that someone will respond to this ad and he will DENY them the chance to listen to his fart jokes and fight off his physical advances for two days. This MC actually makes me feel like my dating standards are spectacularly low, since I usually don’t require people to write me a college essay before spending the worst night of their life with me.

The next MC has lower expectations, though they are still beyond reasonable:

Mike At the Model Who likes to laugh more than cupcakes – w4m – 27 (Allston)

This title is cute. There’s a name, place, and reference to conversation that clearly has some backstory to it, because “laughing” and “cupcakes” are not usually the two options for anything. This woman starts out right:

I liked your sarcasm and style.

And then devolves into a List of Reasons Why You Should Not Be Interested in Her:

I was the weirdo creep who had a couple vodkas too many and got a bit slurry in conversation.

1. She is a weirdo creep.
2. She believes that admitting to being a weirdo creep is attractive.
3. She doesn’t know her limits.
4. She’s a sloppy drunk.

I creepily came over to you even though you started taking to a cute girl,with a piece of paper with just my name on it(which seems even weirder than writing a phone number) before eventually getting my drunk ass in a cab home.

5. She has never hit on anyone in her life, since giving her name, surely scrawled in lipstick on a bar napkin, to a guy in the midst of a conversation with “a cute girl” only seems weird.

6. See: numbers 1-4.

I told my hairdresser about it and she thought this was worthy of a missed connection ad.

7. She wasn’t even interested enough to think this interaction was worthy of a MC. Thank God for rational hairstylists.

If you happen to come across this somehow as I have not read these things in years and this ad somehow redeems my weirdoness, we should have less slurry conversation together.

8. See: numbers 1-4.

Listen, people: I know the Woody Allens and Michael Ceras of the world would have you believe that self-effacing humor is super sexy. And, for some people, it is. But those people are celebrities, kay? Those people are not trying to connect via MC with strangers, who already have every reason in the world not to respond to you. DO NOT GIVE THEM MORE REASONS. Talk yourself up. Make yourself into the unsigned model at the bar who has aspirations of curing cancer. If by some miracle they find your MC and respond, they’ll find out all of your neuroses later—trust me. For weirdo creeps, it’s nearly unavoidable.

The last two MCs are much more pure, of intent and interaction. This first one reads like the notes on a rom-com screenplay, in the first scene where boy and girl serendipitously meet:

To the prettiest girl in the world, who I saw on the Red Line tonight. – m4w – 27 (Downtown to Fields Corner)

(Should that be “whom”?)

As a language nerd, I find this endearing. Probably a bit too much. Moving on…

I really hope that I see you again.
I spent all day working in the yard at my pop’s place so I wasn’t in any condition to talk to anyone, but looking back I wish I had at least said “hi” to you instead of reading that 3-day-old Metro.

Posting this on Craigslist isn’t like me at all, but I’m not exaggerating one bit when I say that you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Sorta dramatic but true. This ad is probably the best I can do until we (maybe) meet again.

:3

He doesn’t even describe her, so it’s not really an attempt to elicit a response, it’s more of just a, “Hey, you should know that people think you’re gorgeous and I pray to the MBTA that we’re in the same train car again someday.”

[Note: for the emoticon-ally challenged, like myself, that last symbol is like a cutesy animal smiling. Like, a cat’s face when it “smiles” (though everyone knows those Satan beasts are incapable of feeling any emotions but contempt and hate)].

This last MC, despite being completely platonic, is probably the most adorable one all week:

Whoever requested X-Men: The Animated Series for movie of the day – w4w (Healthworks Coolidge Corner)

You. Are. Awesome.

(Sorry, not a romantic missed connection. But I got on my treadmill today and was ecstatic to see Wolverine up on the big screen.)

Rad.