Miss Connections: The One Where Sunshine Gets Into Everyone’s Brain

[Ed. note: You may have noticed that the title of this Miss Connections is much like the titles of Friends episodes.  This, I feel, is a genius way of distinguishing one section from others in a long-running series, and probably the only thing worthwhile to come out of that show besides a generation’s renewed interest in dinosaurs thanks to Ross, the paleontologist.]

In reverence of the summer solstice, when suddenly everybody is outside and smiling, talking to strangers, even, and you almost forget how typically standoffish a Puritan and Catholic heritage can make people—in short, when Bostonians reverse their normal attitudes—this Miss Connections is inverse of the usual format. There’s usually a few bizarro MCs taken from the darkest recesses of degenerate perceptions of romance, followed by a heartfelt description of rom-com-esque serendipity. This week’s Miss Connections is just a bunch of snuggly, only-a-female-daytime-talk-show-host-can-express-the-correct-level-of-adoration-for-this-level-of-cuteness posts, followed up by one questionable…well, you’ll see.

So, remember that last round of Miss Connections, where some guy posted the Most Adorable Thing to Happen on the Internet Ever? Well, this first MC is like that, except it’s a woman posting for a man, and it includes aviary misfortune:

We chatted after a seagull stole my lunch – w4m (Galleria Mall)

So, here goes nothing.

I was at the Cambridgeside Galleria Mall this afternoon around 2 o’clock. I was eating lunch and reading a book out by the fountain, when a giant seagull came and stole the leftovers of my lunch, box and all.

You were sitting on the steps behind me, reading a book while on your lunch break. We were both quite surprised at the crazy antics of this bird and we chatted for a bit. Then you had to go back to work, which I happened to notice later was at the Apple Store.

So, long story short, I’ve been kicking myself for not introducing myself. I legitimately walked around the mall way longer than I’d like to admit trying to find something wrong with my iPhone so that I had an excuse to talk to you again.

If you see this and don’t think I’m totally desperate and lame for posting something here and would possibly like see me again when birds aren’t stealing my belongings, reply with the title of the book you were reading.

Be Still My Heart, Stop Quaking My Knees should be the title of that book. Though I’m charmed by this MC, I will say I’m disappointed in the poster. How could she NOT find something wrong with her iPhone? Jesus, anything would do. “Hi, I think I have PTSD from being mugged by a bird, and I don’t know how to access my phone contacts. Could you help me out?” Or, “Hey, could you help me figure out how to use my phone to call a bounty hunter that specializes in seagulls? Let’s date.” You could have even gone in there and said, “It’s my militant lesbian wife’s birthday tomorrow and I want to buy her a gift. Any specials?” And then when he starts responding, cut him off and say, “Just kidding, I’m single. And into guys. Now are there any specials?” Seriously, the possibilities are endless.

For some reason, quite a large number of MCs are posted for travelers, by travelers. I totally understand this, as many of the most interesting stories I’ve heard have been from other travelers I’ve met in airports and buses and what have you, which automatically makes you a future romantic memory in my book. But my theory is that traveling, for many people, is akin to a survival situation, and anyone that they can hold on to while the ship is going down (so to speak) immediately becomes more important. Your life or sanity might depend on this person’s ability to have engaging conversation or stave off brain-eating zombie-aliens when your flight is intercepted by a flying saucer. Along with Louis CK, this guy definitely knows what I’m talkin’ about:

San Salvador airport on a long delay – you inspired a song – m4w

I bought you a beer while we waited on a ten hour delay and we chatted for a good long while. I just wanted to say thank you for helping pass the time in a very nice way! I was chaperoning a group of high schoolers, so some adult conversation was a very welcome relief! You are probably never going to see this, but I wanted to put it out there that you inspired a song. Here it is: paste this right behind you tube’s web address /watch?v=VxsBlCCzvuU&feature=plcp

Hope you got home safe!

So, for those of you too lazy, or too much of a damn grown-up, to copy and paste (“What am I, a third-grader in art class?”), here’s the video:

As cute as this post is—possible negligence of an entire possy of high school hooligans notwithstanding—the song is…okay. You don’t need to watch all four minutes of it, just enough to know that he legit wrote a song about this woman. That’s a committed MC right there.

The next MC actually stems out of unfortunate circumstances—and I mean real misfortune, not gangster gull-level misfortune—but, because it is an MC that celebrates human dignity and kindness without any pretense of sexual interest, I had to include it:

To the Kind Woman on the Bus (86 bus to Cleveland Circle)

I watched someone be very rude to you, and you took it so admirably well.
She was an older, squat white woman who may not have been playing with a full deck.
You were younger, but fully grown. You could have been Latin American or Indian, or some other nationality entirely. The only thing this poor soul could register was that you were non caucasian.
It was a little before two thirty in the afternoon. She was getting off the bus as you were about to get on. Clearly she needed help doing this because the bus driver lowered the ramp for her. I can only assume that you put out your hands, offering to help her onto the street. In return for this kind gesture she shouted ‘Your hands serve no purpose! You come to America to take our jobs.’ ..but you only smiled, shrugging off the bad energy she’d emitted by waving it away. In that moment alone, your hands served greater purpose than she’ll ever know.
I was shocked and disgusted by what I’d heard. I wanted to reach out to you but in doing so, I knew that I would only remind you of something foul and unsavory that you’d just distanced yourself from. Instead I want to honor you here. Thank you for your kindness. It benefits us all in so many ways.

I’m pretty sure I know that old woman. Actually, I’m pretty sure we all do. She unequivocally sucks, which everyone also knows, but the fact that the subject of her ignorance responded the way she did, and that this person posted about it, makes up for her disproportionate Suck Factor. Also, she’ll probably die soon. So, there’s that.

The last MC I’ll leave you with continues a disturbing trend I noted in the last Miss Connections column:

Morning Assault in the T Station – w4m (South Boston/South End)

This morning, I physically assaulted you at the Broadway station, mistaking you for a friend.

Violence=hot. Go on…

Before that, I was verbally assaulting you up the escalator, which you luckily didn’t hear.

Ah, of course, emotionally-damaging verbal warfare as foreplay to the physical attack. Go on…

You told me it was “too early to start a fight”, and then you accidentally stalked me to work.

Okay, when did stalking people become sexy? Seriously, did I miss this after-school special?

Then I found out you design baby carriages, despite loathing children. And that’s when the morning went from good to great.

Why, because you think that assaulting someone who probably already hates themselves is cute? Or, because he hates children, does he design incredibly dangerous baby carriages, like ones that have heat-activated trap doors in the bottom? Coupla sadists, if you ask me. You know what, nevermind—you probably deserve each other.